I'm still scared though - that something new might happen. Something I won't be able to handle or perhaps that I will do something new - something I didn't think I would - something I didn't think I could. But why am I scared? I'm in control of my life right? I think that's what scares me - me. Because I mess up a lot. I cause pain - bitter pain.
If I'm in control then I'll always cause pain because nothing new ever happens - I don't know how to do anything else. But can't someone who causes joy do something? Can't someone who cause joy just get under my skin and make me do that? I don't know why exactly, but I'd rather cause joy than pain. I want my tomorrows to be new, not old.
When I think like this sometimes I cry from the pain I've felt - the pain I've caused. I cry because sometimes I feel like my old will never get new. What is the answer? Is there a cure for the pain?
*
I'm looking into this mirror again now. Tears are forming in my eyes...again. But they're different now. I think there's something joyous about them. I have found the answer, I have found hope of a cure - hope for new. It dwells inside of me. It changes me.
I guess we all wander, but it's something else to wander with hope.
